• Jane Un Ju Choi

To my first true love

Updated: Apr 24, 2020

To my first true love, the one that never altered, the one that never left me, the one that always stood by me no matter what, From the first time you were on my tongue, my ears, my fingers, I never felt something so intense inside. My senses of touch, smell, and taste were in overdrive thanks to you. I regret leaving you. It was me. Somewhere along the line, I lost faith in myself. At times, I took you for granted, but you’ve never abandoned me. You were always there for me, and I consistently came back to you. You stood by me, no matter what. No matter how many times I abandoned you, you never left my side. Without you, I don’t know if I would’ve made it through all the hard times. You let me be who I am and not pretend. I didn’t need to hide behind a mask. You wouldn’t let me. When it was just you and I, I wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable. I always told my truths because you wouldn’t have it any other way.

All my life, I felt such a void, and you helped me fill that void a little bit. All those dark times when I felt so bleak, and I couldn’t see the light and didn’t want to go on, you pulled me out of the abyss and guided me to safety. I can confess my deepest demons, and you’ve never judged me. I let the voices of my insecurities forsake you. But now I know, you are my true love. And I will never abandon you again. I’m ready to embrace you, without fear or apprehension. I love you, and I promise I’ll never turn my back on you ever again. I always wished I could dance, sing, or some other grand talent, but you taught me that quiet ability is okay too. You taught me to embrace my voice and not try to be Hemingway or Bronte. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I thought my skills were mediocre, and it would stay mediocre. I wanted to be someone else instead of embracing my voice. I will never do that again. Because of you, I am stronger and more confident. Thank you for always being there. Yours Forever, Jane Un Ju Choi My first true love has always been writing. Ever since I was a little girl, I always wrote. Somewhere, somehow, I convinced myself that I wouldn’t make it as a writer. So, I chose other fields that didn’t leave me as vulnerable as writing did. I used my grammar deficiency as an excuse not to pursue writing.

I remember writing a poem in third grade, and the teacher posted it in class. Unlike most Asians, I always preferred English over math. As a kid, I just did what I wanted to, which was to write. As I got older, I kept losing faith in my writing. As I got older, I was comparing my writing to other writers. Instead of learning and improving myself as a writer, I shut down and gave up. I feel like as you get older, that’s what happens. The fear of failure freezes you, and you give up without really trying.

When looking back at all my writings, the best ones are the ones where I was completely and utterly naked emotionally. I was completely vulnerable, and you saw all my pain, sadness, weakness, strength, joy, and every single thing that made me, me. My best writings were the ones where I didn’t hide who I was. Subconsciously, I think I was too scared to be that honest at the moment. Now, for the first time, I am not afraid. I’ve come to terms with my writing. I think that’s why I realize that writing is my first true love. I’m finally able to be me, and I can write honestly and openly without fear of rejection or judgment.

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